Growing up and aging, and knowing what I want

Few days ago, I went on a job interview for a video editor role. So in retrospect, a bit of context:

• I’ve been video editing since young, started out with the early Windows Movie Maker, mostly doing – at that time referred as – AMVs (Anime Music Video), which are now commonly called as ‘Edits’.
• From WMM, I transitioned to working with Sony Vegas Pro and I’ve been a huge fan of using that ever since. From circa 2012 when I was doing my Diploma in Mass Communication until now.
• I only have very little knowledge of the now more popular used Adobe Premiere Pro, After Effects and Final Cut Pro.
• Wasn’t such a big fan of these softwares; FCP was too expensive, Premiere Pro honestly uses too much memory (which was why I had been aiming to try upgrading my PC very soon), and After Effects… well… I wasn’t very interested in using it.
• So in a way, I don’t quite have a very impressive portfolio when it comes to that profession as much as it is more of an ‘intermediate-level skillset’ that I just happen to have been doing for a long time.

So suffice to say, video editing is more of a hobby and I wouldn’t consider it as something I would do as a career. But if you had asked me if filming, visual storytelling through videos is my passion, I wouldn’t really deny that they are.

I’m just really not into the technical stuff. If memory serves me right, the technical stuff had been the one that made me decide: Yeah, video editing is not something I want to do as a career. But would I want to make money as a side gig or monetize that hobby? Yes.

Now that we got that context, back to the interview: Let’s just say, it didn’t turn out as well as expected.

The answer was really simple: They clearly wanted a professional, I wasn’t one. They clearly wanted someone who had been in this video editing field, have mastered the skills and had been more involved in the industry enough to have the confidence and value in what they can do.

So I wasn’t it.

At first, I felt really bad; especially when I had been so confident because even though my video editing portfolio was not as impressive, but I took pride in my work because I always enjoyed the projects (especially personal ones) that I do – still, I wasn’t what they were looking for.

They clearly wanted a professional, they clearly thought at first I am a professional in video editing but my portfolio showed otherwise.

It’s like having to interview someone to be a software engineer but finding out that although they know some basics of software engineering, they are actually a programmer – which can be two different professions.

However, they didn’t entirely discredit me, in fact they wanted to give me a chance to ‘prove myself’.

Frankly? A part of me would like to take the challenge. But when I realize, all this while the very reason and direction I am heading during my time job searching – one of the roles I wanted to look for was an internship for video production, the answer was simple: I knew I wasn’t good enough, that there was so much I wanted to learn and I wanted to grow, one of the best ways to do that was to learn from the best.

So I felt and knew an internship for that specific goal and aim was what can help me, the help I need.

What I wanted to do most and had always been my passion was writing.

Writing is at least the very skill and passion I know I am good for – I love writing and I know that especially when I write for the things I’m passionate about, I add value into those topics, hence I add value into my writing.

So, yknow, video editing? Yeah, just really isn’t my thing.

So here’s the thing, right? During the interview, I got asked: At your age, why did you start your degree so late and going to graduate late?

I knew and kind of expected this question would come up somehow, as much as most people ideally would say ‘age doesn’t matter’, but with the kind of world and reality we live in, age really does have its limitations. So I gave them an honest answer: That I had to take 2 years gap due to a medical condition (long story which I will one day write about).

They did try to tell me I shouldn’t take age too much into account and such, not that they were wrong and to be honest, they were very pleasant people.

But being pleasant as a person is not the same as having the same expectations met when it comes to business.

So I knew, even with the ‘test’ they gave me (which was to write up a conceptualization pitch for an idea for a video they initially wanted to hire me for), I just couldn’t put my heart into it.

I came up with 10-20 themes based on the ideas, but when the test also requires me to produce a ‘simple video’ in 2 weeks, I knew then: Is this something I really want to do?

That even if I agreed to produce a video, is it realistic?

What I definitely do know is that it was not realistic.

All the more, it wasn’t realistic for me to even try to really achieve something I know that, within my limitations, wouldn’t be possible.

But even if it was possible, it was also not realistic for me to continue pursuing something I felt…. just wouldn’t benefit me in the long run.

It got me thinking back on my age, how far I’ve come, growing up to this age; that if I had survived and continued living for this long, is it worth doing something that may really impact my mental health later?

Imagine the agony of possibly spending 3 to 6 months doing something you don’t enjoy, shouting to yourself with all the regrets and while you are earning money for your labour, was it later worth it?

For sure, it can be a learning experience so that can be worth it. Every experience has to have its worth – but should it last? Should it continue?

Nope.

I’ve decided since. This isn’t what I want to do, to grow in, to progress in.

If there’s anything in life as I got older that has taught me is this:

Knowing your value and respecting your boundaries is knowing to say no to the things that will not add value to your life and not respecting your boundaries.

So I’m glad in a way that while it’s quite a hard decision to make because I feel I’m letting go of another opportunity that could have been, it’s also a lesson and a reminder that while there are opportunities everywhere, not every opportunity is right for me.

Because making the right decision for the right opportunity is also sustainability and growth.

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